Intimacy and Porn: Low effort, low stakes

Researcher: “How about pornography?” 

Seb: “What about it?” 

Researcher: “I mean, do you engage with pornography?” 

Seb: “Yeah. I don't think anyone doesn't.” 

When I asked Seb, a 24-year-old living with his parents in the South of England, how often he watches porn, he said he watches approximately once a day. "Depends how often I can be bothered." 

I ask him what he engages with and for how long he watches it each day, he tells me: "I don't browse it for enjoyment. I do just want it done. I use - it's gonna sound quite bad - I use it as like a bit of a sleep aid. […] Like it's the first thing I do before I go to bed. […].” On the most part, Seb engages with porn through the popular Tube sites, such as Pornhub.  

Reflecting on his evening habit and why it’s part of his routine, he says: “It's probably because I play video games. […] Because I only play competitively, and I get quite into it, I think it increases my adrenaline. And then there's the blue light, and everything along those lines must sort of keep me awake a little bit." 

He tells me his first exposure to porn came at the age of 9 or 10 at his friend's house. They stumbled across a sex game on the internet. He remembers it as a kind of "nude dating sim" where you pick certain chat boxes which eventually reveal naked sims. He thinks he came across real porn shortly after that, and that many of his contemporaries probably had a similar experience.  

The conversation about porn moves, unprompted, onto social media, where Seb tells me he regularly sees porn content. He doesn’t interact with it much but says it makes up about 70% of his feed on Instagram, which indicates to him that there must be a lot out there – given that he doesn’t think it is algorithmically spurred by him clicking or lingering - and that he suspects his friends’ feeds would paint a similar picture.  

"Even on my Instagram explore thing, it's all soft-core stuff, and I don't even use it. […] The only people I have on there are people that I know."  

Reflecting on his explore feed, he tells me, "It's weird stuff as well, like weird. Like inflation fetish stuff." 

Not being versed in inflation fetish content, I tentatively ask him what he means. 

"Like…like bloat. Like you get deliberately bloated so you look bigger. Like fat fetish stuff…It's weird stuff." 

He later laughed nervously when I suggested he might be able to show what he means. 

“Everyone is trying to sell something on social media,” he tells me. On TikTok, for example, "every influential woman" who isn't already famous for something else is "marketing something to sell". I.e. "trying to sell themselves…like selling their bodies. Selling OnlyFans or something." This may be the explanation, he thinks, for why he sees so much of this content he seemingly doesn’t want to see. He insists it's no different for men, who are instead trying to sell "business plans" or "pick-up advice, pick-up artist stuff." 

The conversation about porn came about because we were talking about dating, sex and relationships. Seb is single and has been for a while, having got out of a tricky relationship a couple of years ago. 

"Masturbating is just so easy. It's just easy. Chasing a woman, chasing a partner just to be fiddled around with and then for them to potentially cheat, potentially not be interested. To pay for dinners or go on dates and stuff, just for it to be thrown in your face, especially when you might not be 100% [into it]…It's just not worth it. […] I would just rather not go through the hassle, the embarrassment, you know? […] Or I guess it's just fear in that sense, scared of rejection. But it's also just a lot of work for something that 90% of the time just isn't going to happen." 

It was something we returned to talking about several times throughout the conversation. Seb was okay with how things were. He didn't want to subject himself to hassle, or even potential pain, by getting involved in another romantic relationship. When the conversation moved towards discussing any potential connection between his porn consumption and his lack of desire to put himself out there on the dating scene, he told me they were completely separate. One did not impact the other. 

A week or so later, I ask Jack, who is 24 and lives with his friend in a flat in Liverpool, the same question I asked Seb. “Do you engage with porn?” 

"Less now," he says, half laughing, half scoffing, "but yeh I would. But there's the, uh, the face scanner thingy." 

"Oh, so less since then?" I ask. 

"Yeh I'm not fucking scanning my face to knock one out. That's really creepy I think." 

Jack is referencing the Online Safety Act coming into force. 

Before this, Jack says he was probably having “one or two wanks a day” using porn. He "knows [his] way around", he says, but doesn't consider himself an "expert." I mention having read something about the traffic on the major porn sites dropping significantly, to which Jack sighs and says, "yeh well that's probably the aim really innit?" 

Going on to discuss his porn habits, he immediately mentions, unprompted, that some people have very particular fetishes - "things like, ya know, piss," that he doesn't share. He thinks people's predilection for increasingly outlandish fetishes is linked to his generation being somewhat inured to extreme or unpleasant things as a result of exposure to certain content when they're young.  

"So many of us grew up watching fucking Isis beheadings and whatever and…it just takes a lot to phase you. And I guess kind of similarly with porn…you're seeing it from such a young age. I think the first time I saw it was maybe year 7 or 8, and a lot of people were seeing it from younger. 

[…] It could be factor for some people. Not loads of people to be fair. I think seeing these things when you're younger could be one of many factors that gets you into whatever mad sex thing you're into." 

In terms of his own porn watching, where he would usually visit the big sites like Pornhub, the new restrictions have undoubtedly had a cooling effect on Jack. "I just don't watch porn as much now." However, he tells me he can still find porn on sites like Reddit. "It's just kind of…there. If I wanna look at like some photo of whatever, I can just look at that on Reddit." 

I ask what kind of thing he would look for on Reddit.  

"Whatever I'm in the mood for. There's everything on Reddit. And I don't mean just porn. There's fucking everything on Reddit, there's a thread for everything." For the time being, Jack has consigned himself to Reddit replacing the Tube sites he used to visit. He doesn't seem overly worried about it - "it's only porn. […] I don't think I've ever needed it. It's only wanking, it's not the end of the world." 

As with Seb, in the context of his porn consumption, I also want to know what Jack thinks about the idea of going out and meeting people and striking up an intimate relationship. He tells me that overall, he’s "not bothered" about it at the moment, and that he’s “not on the apps” either. When I asked him why, he says: 

“Because…it feels like…it just makes me feel a bit sick if anything. You’re just like judging people’s faces which is a bit weird actually. […] I’ve been on like two or three dates from apps in my life. Barely any. […] I think people are like just hoping to meet someone by any way possible really. Be it on an app or be it in real life. I think that's kind of what they're just like. Well, why wouldn't I be on the apps?” 

“Okay, but you’re not on the apps?”, I ask him. 

“No. I’ve gone off them to be honest.”  

I ask Jack about his relationship history, trying to get a clearer sense of what has shaped his attitudes towards both dating and dating apps. He’s had two relationships, the more recent of which only ended fully about five months ago. “Well…she split up with me”, he says when I asked what happened. “She basically said she didn’t love me anymore and that she felt we’d become more like friends than, like, romantic.” In this context, Jack makes clear to me that he’s not actively searching for anything intimate with anyone else as things stand.  

“If sex happens, it happens. Great. But I’m not chasing it, like I’m not going out on the pull or anything. I prefer being in a relationship, just because it’s to have someone, just there. […] But at the same time I’m not desperately seeking a relationship, and I’m not desperately seeking someone to have sex with. Like, if it happens, if I meet someone, great.” 

Similar to Seb, when the conversation moves onto discussing a possible relationship between Jack’s porn consumption and his current attitude towards dating and intimacy, he says: 

"I think sex and relationships is quite a different thing to just masturbating. […] They're just quite different things." 

What emerges from these conversations is not just the story of individual habits, but a broader picture of how porn, intimacy, and technology intersect. Seb and Jack describe porn as habitual and even functional - but largely separate from the pursuit of relationships, which both, in their own way view as messy, risky, or simply not worth it – at least at the time of interview.